Reconnecting with Myself: Removing Static from My Personal Space

The past several months have been overwhelming and extremely stressful. I basically just rode the tide day after day, accepting the new static within my life without protest. When I talk about static within my life I am referring to the extra things that pull me away from my happiness and contentment. I have had other times in my life where things had spiraled out of control but it seemed to happen much more slowly or maybe I was just less aware until it became so intense that I forced myself to stand up and face the problems.

Since January, I have been sticking my head in the sand and refusing to face the fact that things were clouding my head and my emotions were becoming raw. Waking each morning was a chore, as was gathering the energy to care about anything. I still loved to write and I loved teaching, my “kids” essentially kept me coming back when I just wanted to walk away from everything. One day I actually had decided to throw in the towel and walk away from teaching. Then I came face to face with one of my students who seemed to sense my disheartenment. His infectious attitude and smile brought a grin to my face, the first time I had smiled within the past few days. He walked away and another student asked me to help him with his schoolwork. Then another one came up to me and said he was so happy that I was there. That was on Friday.

I came back Monday morning, but my world started to crash again and I was on the verge of walking away from life. A long and stressful weekend had diminished my spirit. That Monday with my students was never-ending and while my favorites took strides to seek me out, and raise my spirits I was so dejected. I went back the next day and started the day with a dark cloud hanging over my head. I did not want to be there and everyone sensed it. At every turn I felt attacked and was on the defensive all day. By the end of the day I was finished!

Then something happened that I did not expect. A student played a song that has had special meaning in my life. I never would have thought that I would hear that particular song in that environment. It was Building 429’s Where I Belong. The first verse described exactly what I was going through. “Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside.
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive? I won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find”. By the time the chorus started I was truly convicted. Being a non-denominational Christian and an ordained minister, I fully got what I was doing wrong these past months.

I was allowing all the static from other people’s lives, the drama of the work environment and the struggles of my beloved students to take away from my personal relationship with the Lord. I thought back and wondered when was the last time I stopped in the day and said a prayer or better yet, when did I last take an hour and devote to the Word? It was appalling that I could not remember. I could clearly remember snide comments and drama inducing incidents from co-workers, but could not recall the last time I cleaned house and removed all the static that was clogging my soul. I knew then that I had to step away from the world and take time for me. Before leaving work that day, I announced that I was not available for work until after Easter break.

I have discovered this evening that all the clutter I am holding onto is affecting my health and my mindset. The stresses that have been plaguing me are wearing on me both physically and mentally. I sat quietly and listened closely to what He was saying. It was the first time in months that I had clearly heard His voice – a whisper across my soul that brought at once understanding and tranquility.

I will eventually return to work at school, but I will do so with a new outlook and the understanding that I cannot bring with me the problems of the world. Throughout the day I need to stop and lift up the problems that are plaguing me. I am sure that there will be things that I just cannot let go – I am only human after all. I will hold onto the friend who is undergoing chemotherapy treatments and his wife who is so dear to me. I will also hold onto the student who has no true home and is fighting for every scrap that is thrown to him. These worries are too big for me, but so very close to my heart and while I lift them up, I also will carry them with me.

So, my dear readers, you may not hear from me for several days. The hiatus that I have decided to take will give me the opportunity to come back stronger and more focused.  I know that with the NHL Playoffs beginning tomorrow, my absence will be missed on my blog, Bleeding Blue for St. Louis, but I will be back with more insights after Easter. For those who believe in the power of prayer, please keep me lifted up.

I have included the lyrics of Where I Belong by Building 429 in the hopes that they touch my readers as deeply as they have touched me.

"Where I Belong" by Building 429

Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me.

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You
When the lights fade I wanna be found in You

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong
[x2]

Where I belong, where I belong
Where I belong, where I belong

** Also posted on my other blog themickiholley.blogspot.com